This is because I care- sometimes mall employees start gettin a little crazy, looking for love in all the wrong places, and should any of you find yourselves approached by a nerd in situations you can’t get out of easily, I impart this wisdom onto you.
Said guy was the 5’4 part-time security guard at the mall I also worked part time at. Who, of course, wore a ridiculous uniform, complete with the Rhode Island Trooper pointy hat, and was otherwise just not attractive. He was required to conduct “rounds” as part of his duties, which provided him with several opportunties to yell out “HEY (awesome blogger)!” which not only startled me, it also created unnecessary wear and tear on parts of the floor no one else walks on, as he covers the “full” perimeter of the mall, which includes dodging in and out of columns and the like. This extensive knowledge of the mall’s floor plan may explain how he, when he sees you on the first floor and he’s on the fourth floor of the mall (and this is accompanied with a resounding “HEY (AWESOME BLOGGER)!!!” as well) can be beside you in 2.5 seconds. Maybe he has superpowers, I don’t know. Doubt it somehow.
Point is, I don’t like (him), but somehow I feel indebted to him as he got my reeces pieces out of the vending machine on that morning when I was wicked hungover and they wouldn’t come out, and I had tried to use all “engineering” knowledge to knock the trapped reeces with other candy but I ran out of time and single dollah bills. And when (he) came marching across (retail spot) with those reeces five minutes later, well he was okay in my crazed hung-over book. So as I’m walking out to my car on Saturday, I see him while carrying my "make it fabulous ten year high school reunion outfit", and he asks where I’m going, I say my HS reunion, blah blah, please go away.
Couple of nights later when I was working, I hear this sonic boom:
“SO HOW WAS THE (wrong town, not where I went to HS, but whatever) HIGH REUNION!?!?!?!?!??!”
This scares the crap out of me, as usual, but it was also louder, because it was coming from the front entrance of the store. He never actually came into the store to talk to me, so I know I’m in trouble. I tell him he scared the crap out me, but he is not thwarted by this at all. He presses on with his questions. I tell him that a bunch of my stuff got stolen, blah blah blah and then it comes:
“Well, why wasn’t your boyfriend buying all of your drinks anyways? Hahahaha”
I feel like throwing up, because here it is. If I don’t lie, (he) the weirdo is going to ask me out. And I have graded myself way higher, and I’m SICK OF THIS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!! So I did it, I pulled out the imaginary boyfriend, which isn’t hard because I pretend Tom Brady’s my boyfriend anyways.
“Oh, he wasn’t there (as he’s on the road to the next GAME (him).”
“Interesting. Okay, well have a good night.”
And then he left. Thank you God.
By the way, He’s a total mall “player” so I think he’ll find love at Borders, perhaps. Not as much game as the guys at the sunglass hut, but word was he cast a wide freaky net.
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