The Worst Date Ever - Neil Diamond Guy, Part One

All aboard the crazy train, here come's the tale of Neil Diamond guy.

One ill fated friday night in August of 2006, I ventured out to Game On. While waiting for my Buddy to arrive, I start chatting with the bartender/pizza maker. As I was coming off of a dating "thing" with Captain Conventional, I was taken with his Elvis Costello glasses and tales of wanting to write a book about politics from a dog's perspective. These days, I would immediately know I hate this guy, but I was young then, and lookin to forget anouther guy. Neil Diamond guy appeared to be very smart, alternative boy quirky (the correct amount of which is very good, TOO much is very,very,very bad),funny, my AGE, and cute. Most importantly, he was the exact opposite of the last guy I dated, so woo-effing-hoo, Game on!! He tells me he has tickets to the Neil Diamond show the following Tuesday, and asks me if I'd like to go - which of course I did, its effing NEIL DIAMOND! I drop the digits, go on my merry way, and say to myself, "hey, I liked that guy! How great! See? There is life after (other guy)".

So around 11:30 I get a call from an unknown number while I am next door at the Cask. It was Neil Diamond guy, and he wanted to hang out. Which, we did, but not at the Cask because he hated it there, but at some foo-foofy place, and I'm starting to think....hmmm....a tad bit too much "I hate anything remotely mainstream insofar that I can't appreciate the inherent greatness of a dive bar (which I love)", but I say, give him a chance. And, maybe because I was already imbibed, I enjoyed the round I had with him and went home.

I wake up saturday morning prepared to go about my day and to my niece's birthday party when Neil Diamond guy calls me, which, granted it was really only like 9 hours after I last saw him, I decide this is sweet. Everything was fine until he asked me what I got my niece for her birthday (a toy), and proceeds to lecture me about buying toys for kids. He then asks what I am currently reading, and tells me that he has ordered several books for me to read, which he will give to me on Tuesday at the Neil Diamond concert. Needless to say, I dont like being told what to do, especially by Elvis Costello, but I am determined to give this guy a chance and tell him I have to head out to the party. He then does what I really wish he hadn't - texting when you know someone is at an event, a family one at that. Furthermore, these weren't like funny texts that a girl would find joy in from a guy they meet the night before who is now showering her with attention - no, these were wierd, nonsensical, idiotic but I guess 'emo" ramblings. I start to feel a little freaked out by NDG. There is nothing worse then when your exit strategy is pointing directly at being a total lunatic. Sunday was no better. Text, text, text, text. I have now had Neil Diamond Guy in my life for under 48 hours, mind you, and had heard from him at least 20 times.

Date night rolls around, and outside of the rather heavy volume of correspondance over the weekend, I reluctantly go anyways. I get a co-worker to come drink two pre-date jitters beers with me and then go meet this guy.
And this is when things start getting good.

Neil Diamond guy: "glasses, nice. I like glasses. You look a whole lot better then you did the other night, you know, less Tammy Fae Baker"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Neil Diamond guy: "So, tell me something I would never know about you unless you told me"

me: "Ahh.....I'm a twin? You?"

NDG: "Well, my Dad just found out he is Italian Royalty"

Me: "Oh, wow, how'd he discover that?"

NDG: "Yeah, well, after I got my masters, I opened a Cigar Shop in the North End. You watch Sex and the City?"

Me: "wha, yes"
NDG: "well, so one night I'm at the Cigar Shop and in walks Chris Noth, you know Mr. Big. So I hung out with him all night, he's a pretty cool guy. Oh, that reminds me! My sister was part of the publisher's clearing house prize patrol! Unfortunately, that business went under. So, I got all depressed and one day I'm at home watching TV. And one of their commercials came on, and viola, there was my sister!"

Me: "How did you not know your sister was on the prize patrol?"

NDG: "Well, my family wasnt necessarily talking to me then. They are now, but I just had some issues when my Cigar Shop went under. So, anyways, back to my father and his royal family, - turns out that my grandmother was part of an arranged marriage BEFORE she meet my Grandfather! So my Dad has like, this whole other family that he never knew about! And I have all of these aunts and uncles now! What do you think about that?"

Me:"What do I think? Well, I think you're a pathalogical liar (and I wasn't smiling or kidding)"

NDG: "hahahahahha! A sense of humor, I like that. (wink, wink)How's your sandwich?"

Enter the soundtrack to my brain for the rest of the night:


Come back for, part two, when Neil Diamond cries within one hour of dinner, and how he ruined "Start Me Up" for me permanently.