Why sometimes it's best to have your boss NOT come to the office soccer game

I dont know what made me think of this today - BUT........

I was once part of an office soccer team. I, perhaps because I never played soccer as a kid, or any sports really - well, other then my ill-fated stint at softball, where my poor brother the coach had to find a place for his kid sister, which was a move from left field to catcher - which, may or may not have been such a good idea, as I routinely got bats thrown right at my helmet (that didnt feel good), and I may have missed a very important toss from third base in a playoff game - but, I digress. Or maybe I dont, as actually that exercise in humiliation was enough to scare me off of team sports for well over a decade. I also "ran" track in high school - as a 1000 meter runner which is a tough race anyway, mostly because its a distance run that you also kind of have to sprint at the start and the end, and I was HORRIBLE at pacing myself- so, went for the top rows to try to get a spot - and I got tripped out of a race on the 4th row of a banked track at BU. That means, I rolled down four rows to the cement floor with a crashing thud which hurt like the dickens - I then unleashed a string of swears at my two coaches who wanted me to restart the race (which I still feel bad about) - I decided maybe sports weren't my thing. Maybe I was just meant to be a sports fan. Never competed in a race after that. I run, but I dont like doing it with annnnyyyone I know. There is nothing that can take the confidence right out of me like a sporting event, race, ect. Nay nay!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, times and people change, and I decided, sure, I'm an adult, I'm more sure of myself, I'll definately play soccer. At least I had learned at this point in my life that while I may not be "skilled" in anyway whatsoever, I will risk any part of my body and attempt to take anyone out - so defense wise, I wasnt thattt horrible. I actually got pretty decent, because odds are a ref wont call out a 5'3 girl for a slide tackle or just otherwise being in the way - and I think I became a small force to be reckoned with. Especially if I was challenging a guy. I didnt say it was fair, it aint, but it is what it is. Sorry, boys.

But wayyyy before that....and multiple soccer lessons from my rad nephew, this happened:

So, our boss decides to show up at a game to check out the kids at the office (who were like 25-0, and we got MASSACRED every game). I of course, have just run out of contacts, and am playing in my glasses (problem), I'm a little nervous, as not only was my extremely atheletically inclined sister playing, my Mom and nephew have shown up to this game. OH, and the ref knows my entire family, played irish football with my brother in law, and has known me since I was probably 12. Internal monologue: CRAP, crap, crap, crap. Oh no no no no...its like softball all over again!!!!

Everything was fine, if you count the first of three horrible assaults in a soccer game as getting tackled in the net by a member of your own team (as neither of us had any consideration for offsides or where we could be defensively). The second, of course, would be my greatest defensive block - which was the "deflection" ie being right in the way, of a soccer ball off my stomach. SO, I am now bleeding from both knees, my stomach kills from the sonic boom that got deflected half way across the field. That was a pretty sweet move, actually. Did I mention that it was no less then 90 out? If not worse? Ever seen what happens to Irish people in the sun and/or heat? Yes, I was a bleeding four eyed tomato with a certain stomach contusion.

Not to be thwarted by these set backs, we get in position for a corner kick. The last thing I saw was the girl raise her foot to kick the ball - then I hear my twin sister running down the field towards me screaming "IS SHE OKAY!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!", and I realize I had just deflected the ball with my FACE. I am face down on the ground. I actually wish there was a video of this, because I was told I got nailed RIGHT in the face by the ball. Boom and DOWN! The explectives were many, it hurt like a bastard, and - yep, glasses - GONE. Gone and somewhat mangled when recovered. Did I mention we had no subs for this game, so I had to keep playing no matter what?

Boss to me at half time: "are you okay? I've never seen someone take such a beating! Tenacity!"

If that's what they're calling it these days!

"I'm Gonna Need You to Come Get Me"

One saturday afternoon I went a pig roast at a friend's house. What could possibly go wrong? Kegs, roasted animals, a nod to lord of the flies posted right on the fence and all day drinking for a mixed crowd of 20-somethings?

Problem is, I like pigs. A lot. The pigs head on my friend's fence was upsetting me. As were several people I didnt like in a college and certainly that had it changed. Despite all the drama, its a good time had by all. My wing lady leaves me, and as nightfall sets in, I realize I need to get the hell out of there. So, I call Captain Conventional (you remember him from the Neil Diamond story), who went from mildly annoying brief dating experience to awesome rescuer in almost all situations since then , who was having scotch and nerd discussion in an undisclosed location - but, he said he'd come get me. In my mind, the conversation went a little something like this "Breaker Breaker One NINE I NEED AN AIRLIFT! AN AIRLIFT IS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY!!!!!". I can smell a dork attack, and boy did it stink at that party. AND I WAS ALL ALONE. Being a suvivor of these events, I do the only reasonable thing - I make some intellectual conversation with the keg. I so got this, I'm thinking. I'm laughing to myself, and turn around - and UGH was standing there. With a Captain Creep face goin on. Oh, he was a creep alright. I could already tell.
UGH: "Hi. I know who you are, do you know who I am"
ME: "WHat?"
UGH: "You're so and so, you work for so and so. Don't you want to know how I know that?"
Me: "No"
UGH: "Cute. I'm....." (blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

I am no longer listening. I am calling my rescue, I am scanning the crowd for any one of my stupid ding dong guy friends who abandoned me on thier own missions, and I know I am stuck. So, I have anouther beer, and glare at this guy.

UGH: "So, what do you think?"
ME: "About what?"
UGH: "You know, me"
ME: "ugh"
UGH:"Do you believe in love?"
ME: WHAT???????
UGH: "Its a simple question. DO you? I do."
ME: WHO SAYS THAT??? YOU JUST MET ME! YOU CANT SAY THAT! NO GUYS USE THAT AS A LINE! COME ON!"
UGH: "I do. Maybe you just havent meet the right kid of guys. Sensitivity isnt a bad thing"
I've had a enough of this, I start making my move, and I say
"Oh, trust me, YES it is. (snicker, snort - herein refered to as a snikort)Well, rescue's here. Gotta go!!!"
I think I may have missed a stair on my get away, but got away I did, and thats all that matters.


Geesh. What's a girl gotta do for a little peace while talking to a keg at a damn pig roast????

So, the next day as I'm walking to get my car, I call the party's host to see who this guy was - turns out he worked in the building I worked in, which isnt a good thing. I know I was mean and I feel bad. Oh well.

Tuesday morning, I'm at work, and pass someone in the hall, and say hi. As I'm walking, I realize it was him. "Oh no" I say to myself, and pick up the pace a little bit. Unfortunately, I run into an event, so I am slowed down significantly because I all but plowed into them, and I see two coworkers watching this pursuit, I'm red faced and sweating and I have my hand on the door of my office when I get the
tap-tap. The Shoulder Tap. Busted.


Farmer Ted Dancing from Sixteen Candles
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Me: "oh, ugh! Its you. How are you?"
Ugh: "I thought that was you! Now, how were we feeling sunday morning? Ehh?"
Me: "Oh, bad. Look I'm really sorry. I had drank to much and I dont know why I was mean to you. You seem like a nice person."
Ugh: "Oh, thats alright. Do you remember what we talked about?"
Now, I'm fanning myself because I can see these two coworkers watching this and I am dying of embarrassment, but I stop to look at him. Really? Really, you're going to go there? Come on buddy, for the both of us, dont! So, I say,
Me: "Oh, kind of. Look, sorry again. I have to go thou. Nice to see you."
Ugh: "well, perhaps I can send you an email and remind you. You know, of what we talked about".
Me: "ahh, sure! Gotta go!"

Inside, I immediately get hauled into the interregation room (the conference room) by these two coworkers. I tell them the whole story, and they say, "Go, Go right now. GO check your email. I swear he's already emailed you."
"NO! I cant be mean!"
"GO"

I go. Open my inbox.

"Oh No."...................................

"WHAT DOES IT SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!?"