One saturday afternoon I went a pig roast at a friend's house. What could possibly go wrong? Kegs, roasted animals, a nod to lord of the flies posted right on the fence and all day drinking for a mixed crowd of 20-somethings?
Problem is, I like pigs. A lot. The pigs head on my friend's fence was upsetting me. As were several people I didnt like in a college and certainly that had it changed. Despite all the drama, its a good time had by all. My wing lady leaves me, and as nightfall sets in, I realize I need to get the hell out of there. So, I call Captain Conventional (you remember him from the Neil Diamond story), who went from mildly annoying brief dating experience to awesome rescuer in almost all situations since then , who was having scotch and nerd discussion in an undisclosed location - but, he said he'd come get me. In my mind, the conversation went a little something like this "Breaker Breaker One NINE I NEED AN AIRLIFT! AN AIRLIFT IS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY!!!!!". I can smell a dork attack, and boy did it stink at that party. AND I WAS ALL ALONE. Being a suvivor of these events, I do the only reasonable thing - I make some intellectual conversation with the keg. I so got this, I'm thinking. I'm laughing to myself, and turn around - and UGH was standing there. With a Captain Creep face goin on. Oh, he was a creep alright. I could already tell.
UGH: "Hi. I know who you are, do you know who I am"
ME: "WHat?"
UGH: "You're so and so, you work for so and so. Don't you want to know how I know that?"
Me: "No"
UGH: "Cute. I'm....." (blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
I am no longer listening. I am calling my rescue, I am scanning the crowd for any one of my stupid ding dong guy friends who abandoned me on thier own missions, and I know I am stuck. So, I have anouther beer, and glare at this guy.
UGH: "So, what do you think?"
ME: "About what?"
UGH: "You know, me"
ME: "ugh"
UGH:"Do you believe in love?"
ME: WHAT???????
UGH: "Its a simple question. DO you? I do."
ME: WHO SAYS THAT??? YOU JUST MET ME! YOU CANT SAY THAT! NO GUYS USE THAT AS A LINE! COME ON!"
UGH: "I do. Maybe you just havent meet the right kid of guys. Sensitivity isnt a bad thing"
I've had a enough of this, I start making my move, and I say
"Oh, trust me, YES it is. (snicker, snort - herein refered to as a snikort)Well, rescue's here. Gotta go!!!"
I think I may have missed a stair on my get away, but got away I did, and thats all that matters.
Geesh. What's a girl gotta do for a little peace while talking to a keg at a damn pig roast????
So, the next day as I'm walking to get my car, I call the party's host to see who this guy was - turns out he worked in the building I worked in, which isnt a good thing. I know I was mean and I feel bad. Oh well.
Tuesday morning, I'm at work, and pass someone in the hall, and say hi. As I'm walking, I realize it was him. "Oh no" I say to myself, and pick up the pace a little bit. Unfortunately, I run into an event, so I am slowed down significantly because I all but plowed into them, and I see two coworkers watching this pursuit, I'm red faced and sweating and I have my hand on the door of my office when I get the
tap-tap. The Shoulder Tap. Busted.
Farmer Ted Dancing from Sixteen Candles
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Me: "oh, ugh! Its you. How are you?"
Ugh: "I thought that was you! Now, how were we feeling sunday morning? Ehh?"
Me: "Oh, bad. Look I'm really sorry. I had drank to much and I dont know why I was mean to you. You seem like a nice person."
Ugh: "Oh, thats alright. Do you remember what we talked about?"
Now, I'm fanning myself because I can see these two coworkers watching this and I am dying of embarrassment, but I stop to look at him. Really? Really, you're going to go there? Come on buddy, for the both of us, dont! So, I say,
Me: "Oh, kind of. Look, sorry again. I have to go thou. Nice to see you."
Ugh: "well, perhaps I can send you an email and remind you. You know, of what we talked about".
Me: "ahh, sure! Gotta go!"
Inside, I immediately get hauled into the interregation room (the conference room) by these two coworkers. I tell them the whole story, and they say, "Go, Go right now. GO check your email. I swear he's already emailed you."
"NO! I cant be mean!"
"GO"
I go. Open my inbox.
"Oh No."...................................
"WHAT DOES IT SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!?"
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